Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize
