Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
