He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
