You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
