Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
