no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
