turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
