I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
