if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
