Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
