mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
