mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
