im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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