birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
