Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
