I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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