What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
