Sorry, I don't speak sober.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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