I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
