I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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