I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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