For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
