My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Randomize
