So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
