How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
