Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
If I die, sorry about rent.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
