Don't make out with my wife yet
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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