I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
