Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
