carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
