I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
