I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
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