Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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