I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
