So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
