Yo dont text me then not text me
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
