and my herpes radar will keep us safe
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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