Umm I'm too high to move.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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