you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
PS: I just woke up from my shower
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
