She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
