I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
