I was born with a shot glass in my hand
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
