It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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