Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
