She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
