So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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