Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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