'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
