so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
