i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
