About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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