I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
