summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
